Jul 29, 2013

Ghost in the Fog

I saw a sphere
of clouded smoke, and shook
at its emptiness. 
A parade of strangers, 
the vacant arc of teeth, 
weak effusions of kindness. 
These were blown off
in so short a time, 
my visions of the world. 

But when all had come and passed
I saw again, as I had feared, 
That I, too, inside that sphere, 
was a ghost in the fog; 
The suggestion of a life,
the breath of fear. 

The nights that watch us
mark, sightlessly, the motion of our voices
Through the air; the waves that, trembling,
Make their way from mouth to mouth,
As we practice our own terrors,
Work our own fears
Against each other, lovingly,
Feeling the enormity of each rasp,
The tenderness with which each wound is drawn.

Did I, with my own hands, strike the bell,
Some foreign will moving through me,
A stranger to my own desires?
They watch us now, deliver kind appraisals
Of the end; and how well we did,
The very best that two animals could do,
To have sweated out a brief fidelity,
Made some show of self-abandon.

I imagine myself on the shoreline,
Measuring the trails laid by yesterdays’ tides.
Where we had been, on that day, or another,
Is gone, replaced by feeling, an aurora
That turns over on itself, and I can see
All has been condensed and confused
By experiential memory, just a wash,
To be rewritten as we want it.

Jul 23, 2013

When you leave, and there is certainty
That you were there--really there,
And I loved you with a heart
Laid bare and unbarbed,
I am happy, so happy;

And if I could,  as we say goodnight,
I would ferry some bit of my soul to you
In the body of a kiss

Jul 15, 2013

__________________________

One word remains
To be uttered.
Its edge, though dulled
by careful consideration,
pierces the flesh.

That word, eased in,
So slight, a ray of metal,
That traces the spine
And splits into the brain.

Was I made for it?
It seems to wait for me,
To watch, and when ready,
Will me to it.

Silence, please, or the end

I would make mute the earth
And carry out the rest in silence.
Am I supposed to be weaving something great?
Casting my first corners on rough edges
Of distant stars, planets, plumbing
Tiny, tedious wells
Of profound emotion--

I grow tired. My own skin
Sloughs off in my dreams, and I have no eyes
For myself, possessing a vision
That can never turn in
And against me.

Quiet, a quiet life
With no more wanting. I won’t even ask
For more of what I have, for I’ve had enough
Of myself, a mouthful, a gut so full
That there is room for nothing else,
Like a child carried to term and well past,
Wishing for a life outside herself.

Jul 11, 2013

Departures

The last day,
prelude to your departure,
post circumspect confessions
drawn out of
our thin acquaintance.

It is a bone in my throat;
I breathe around it,
Shudder at it.
My affections for you
belonged first to me--

to me only,
wracked me, possessed me--

And as I say goodbye,
I am as alone as I was
When that fire set itself inside me,
with only the shape of the flame
inspired by your touch.

I feel your loss as a clap of thunder,
a wet bell of sound,
whose grinding surge threatens to weep
from every pore; though, when pressed,
won't come.

Helios 1.3

Today would be the day. Reder had decided it. He had received a repair slip in his box, a neat, tiny red square of paper (almost imperceptibly hand-cut, as the carbon copy forms had long since run out and the papermill took effort and resources the Helios could seldom spare). It was a command directly from the captain, something in her ready room, a light flickering, from what he could tell.

The captain trusted Reder, and this is why he decided he would be the one to have to bring it to the table again. The children’s training had to be advanced. They needed to work harder, to learn faster. The older members of the Helios crew—those that had learned from the first generation, the men and women that built and lived in the ship for the first vibrant decades of her life, were going to die soon. Some had petitioned the captain for cryosleep, forseeing a future where all of them died at approximately the same time, effectively draining the ship’s repair and engineering resources.

Even though he had taken the last two hours of Atticus’ shift, and his body felt as tight and languid as a mass of knotted rope, Reder could not sleep. He remembered Thomas now, the man who brought him first into the belly of the ship, a weird series of metal bowls filled with pipes and gears and always hissing with heat. Thomas was the eldest child of one of the first Helios crew. His father, one of the Helios engineers, had first shown him the shell of the hull when he was just a tiny infant, and the ship was just a meaningless world-shape. Thomas grew up with the ship, as some children grow old with a pet. Only the Helios would outlive Thomas.

Thomas was ancient when he trained Reder, and, as a boy of 13, he was sure that Thomas was the oldest man alive. He might have been the oldest man on the ship, though he was still strong enough to squeeze through the despairingly thin passages between the rails and beams that crisscrossed the Helios’ mechanical space.

They were not meant to be down there. Thomas was crew chief, but had been desk bound by the time Reder came up to train. Captain Carol, the second captain of the ship, and an interim captain, had instituted an emergency policy—the same policy that Reder would now bring to Alice in secret, that he would urge her to take up. Thomas never took a wife, and so never had children. But where many of the trade supervisors—officers of the crew that oversaw the management of vital operations—were exasperated by the sudden induction of the young (with their ignorance, their impatience, their inherent lack of accountability) into their teams, Thomas was invigorated. He explained everything about the machines at the heart of the Helios with an excited awe, which caught hold in Reder. Thomas took him down into the ship on many nights, and they would make routine repairs and tune-ups, with Reder watching at first, and then assisting in some small ways, a turn of the wrench, removing covers, stripping wires. He learned the ship like children learn their mother tongue.

Was it just because Reder had done it—had been through this training at an early age, and had so flourished under the guidance of his mentor, though this fact was mostly unknown to the rest of the crew—that he thought it best for the children of the Helios to level up to post assignments? Alice had been in that same crop, too. She was one of the early cadets, those children cut on the task of running a ship with the aging parent population. She, too, had flourished under Caroll’s system. But now, as an adult, and as captain, she was with those who advocated extended schooling, longer control training, and more time in their family’s quarters before moving out into the common bunk.

Was it because she, the captain, was also a mother? Alex was a strange child. Would she place the mission of the Helios crew at the mercy of the love for her own son?


Reder was not an unkind man, and he stirred at the cold thoughts that welled up suddenly inside of him. 

Condolences

I give you my hand,
Half-full of condolences,
A mute, uncoiled kind of sorry,
My words laid dumb with sympathy.

Across so many miles,
The hard questions are harder to ask.
I remember the moat of silence
The last death dug between us.

I regret. The world is moving fast around us.
I imagine an ocean in you,
Having shared the same tides some century ago.
The slow ache of those currents.

If only we knew
What further sorrows await
We could carve a ship

Strong enough to carry us

Jul 10, 2013

I saw a black rose
The dusk of so many yesterdays
clinging to it, a cloud of velvet tongues

I would borrow its secret, if I could
for my own ephemeral flight.

The city air chafes the bud,
but the bloom that comes is biological, tender
and dark, a daydream of asphalt, long sirens

An ounce or so of malcontent,
slipshod poetry of the living,
and in-between thorn and stem


A silence.  

Jul 7, 2013

I should know better, but I'm a willing fool.

A brief precipice of days
Marks the easy descent to our goodbye.
My words are careless now, desperate,
A clumsy unfurling of what I might have felt,
If we only had time to bide.

With you, I meant to practice a careful love,
Exercise an arm of my self control,
And rediscovered my heart, writhing
At unmeasured and passionate cadences.

What could have come from all the long looks,
Knowing silences, slow dances, low light--

Nothing, now; only rooms filled with faces
Not yours, nights not spent waiting, and, soon,
The soft death of suffering, the clatter of heartache,
a lessening din.